My prior post on Pharma-jingles, in which I described my and my brother Mark’s irresistible compulsion to rewrite the drug companies’ chirpy little tunes to include rude and offensive lyrics, was only in the can for a couple of days when my bro’ sent me this:
Yet another drug ditty to tackle! Yay! But right away we hit a wall. This time the challenge seemed practically insurmountable. Listen to the source material. Pinched off a porcupine? Did they just say pinched off a porcupine?? How in the coal-fired fuck do you parody that? How could you come up with anything that’s any more cleverly off-colour and squirm-inducing? It was like they were taunting us: go ahead, do your worst, morons, we’re impervious ‘cuz we already did it for you.
Oh, we tried, you bet we did, e.g.:
Pinching out a loaf of stone
Bigger than a Bronto’ bone
Push until your lips are turning blue
Meh. Just more of the same. Hmm…how about:
Fire off a cannonball
Decimate a toilet stall
Birth an anaconda or two
OK, but really, how is that any more gauche and off-putting than the actual lyrics? You wind up either with the same sort of thing, like they commissioned a new verse, or graphic, frankly appalling rhyming couplets that are too gross to be funny (from which I’ve decided it’s best to spare you – the various attempts included rhymes like “sphincter-cork” and “rotting pork”). You’re just shooting yourself in the comedic foot if you try to out-rude something that goes:
Pinched off a porcupine
Wrestled out a wrecking ball
Pushed through a pineapple or two
Tried to pass an elephant
Rolled out a watermelon
Strained until you turned a shade of ooooh
We felt like a couple of struggling junk food vendors at the Iowa State Fair, trying to concoct something even fattier and less wholesome than the competition’s legendary Deep-Fried Bacon Brisket Mac ‘n Cheese Grilled Cheese** – it might be possible, technically, but yuck. I guess we’ve got to hand it to them. We’re whupped. The frigging thing isn’t lampoonable. It already auto-lampooned, rendering itself utterly lampoon-proof. Well played, Colace. Well played.
Truth is, I kind of like these ads, in a guilty pleasure sort of way. At least they’re not being all coy and euphemistic about what the stuff does. Nope, the good folk at Colace are all let’s just cut through the embroidery, you poor, stopped-up bastard – it helps you take a dump. No happy smiley people walking on the beach at sunset, obviously enjoying the bliss of being “regular”, no beating around the bush, just the promise that with their help, next time you gotta go it won’t feel like you’re expelling a medicine ball from out your tortured guts, and that’s kind of refreshing. Disgusting too, of course, but refreshing. Plus, that elephant is pretty darn charming, don’t you think? I just love me some cartoon elephants.
** A real thing!! Have a gander at the foods on offer in the shadow of the Butter Cow:
https://www.catchdesmoines.com/blog/stories/post/best-iowa-state-fair-food/
the needlefish 