An Idiot Abroad

Look, there’s an op-ed piece on the CNN website that concludes that Trump “passed the test” of his first foreign tour:

http://www.cnn.com/2017/05/26/opinions/trump-trip-a-success-gardiner-opinion/index.html

Whoo boy, you might sigh, sighingly.

But you gotta understand, something like “passed the test” doesn’t have a fixed meaning, it has to be a relative thing, you know, contextual. That’s the word, right, contextual? I’ve got all the best words! Anyway, in this instance “passed the test” means he didn’t plummet out the door of Air Force One and splatter all over the tarmac, by stepping out before they had time to wheel up the stairs – see, he was patient, just like the liberals always say he isn’t. Also, he gave speeches without straying too far from the words on the teleprompter, and he didn’t once drop his pants and dance, or even punch an irritating European panty-waist in the teeth. Sure, he man-handled that guy from Montenegro out of the way, the better to take his rightful place front and center at the NATO leaders’ photo op, but who cares about Montenegro anyway – is that the right name, Montenegro? Really? Do they know their country has the word “negro” at the end? That’s racist! SAD! Anyway, they’re nothing much, believe me, people are saying we never should have let them into NATO anyway, there’s only, like, 5 guys, three women (not one of them better than a five), and a goat living there. ANOTHER OBAMA SCREWUP!!

And since, being contextual, we’ve tweaked the concept of “passed the test” a little bit this time around, then yeah, his speech in Brussels did deliberately insult the entire political leadership of all the NATO members in public, but you could understand the sentences he was reading, he avoided the always-tempting word salad like a trooper, and that’s what counts. He recited that speech like a pro! And sure, he’s still sticking to the idea that if a country doesn’t meet its defence spending target, the amount they’re short is something they actually owe, like back taxes, or a debt growing yearly with interest – and, folks, believe me, it’s the interest that kills you over the long haul, I can tell you that – which is maybe a bit misguided, but anyway you got the idea. He wants them to spend more, and since everything is a transaction, you get right down to it, he’s not about to reaffirm the US commitment to Article 5, not until they pay up, and why should he? You want something from me, great, now where’s my sugar, right?

For far, far too many years, folks, NATO has been run as if it’s inherently in America’s interest to maintain the post-war liberal world order, and that’s going to stop. It should be more like a protection racket – no really, the mafia has some good ideas, maybe not too legal, but hey, look, they make a ton of money, am I right? Right? What, we’re supposed to subsidize some stupid little country like Estonia? Or that other one, what is it again? Yeah, Monteneggroll, that one. They should pay! They agreed, we all agreed, people, you know it, I know it, everybody knows it, a deal’s a deal. They could at least chip in a little more for gas – folks, do you have any idea how much gas an F-15 burns on just one mission? It’s like, I dunno, something like seven or eight tons – tons – it’s crazy! I just found that out! Who knew it was so much?

Those namby-pamby Europeans deserved a kick in the pants, you ask me.

Plus, what a hit he was in the Middle East! The Saudis gave him a medal, didn’t catch what for, but it was shiny and looked like it might be real gold, and then they honoured him by giving him a sword he could shuffle around with, some kind of tribal thing I think, and then they let him be one of stars to put his hand on that big glowing ball. All the other leaders just had to watch! Trump got to put his hand right on it! Hospitality doesn’t get any more primo, let me tell you.

Now, I know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking, “OK, but there were a couple of glitches in Israel”, that’s what you’re thinking, right? Yeah? What glitches? The refusal to visit Masada because they wouldn’t let his helicopter land on top of it? That was nothing, nobody was even talking about it the next day, I watched Fox and Friends and it didn’t come up. Or maybe you think the message he left behind in the guest book at the Holocaust memorial was too cheery? What’s wrong with it? All he said was:

‘It’s a great honour to be here with all of my friends. So amazing and will never forget!’.

You know, like a polite little “thank-you” card. Short and sweet, and none of that blather that Boo-hoo Obama wrote when he visited. Look, at least he didn’t write “Shoah had a great time!”, and I bet it crossed his mind, so that’s diplomatic courtesy right there.

You could see how happy that guy Netanyahoo was with Trump at the press conference – geez, does that guy know his name ends with “yahoo”? I’d have changed that, it was me. And don’t give me the gears about the Pope, that guy’s a grouch. One small disagreement with him on anything, like, say, whether climate change is really a hoax, and he’s all scowls. Like he knows. Disgusting. Disgusting, people. Besides, he liked Melania. Everybody likes Melania – she really wows them, it’s a great thing, really a huge, a hugely important thing you can use when you need a distraction. You dress her up right, something that shows a little skin, and you could stand at a podium in Paris and call for a global boycott on wine and cheese, and they’d be too busy gawking at her “assets” to even notice. Uh-oh, now all the “liberals” are going to come at me about not being “politically correct”, oh, they will folks, believe me, but it’s true. Cry all you want, Failing New York Times, but really you’re just jealous. I bet all of your wives are twos and threes.

There were a couple of disappointments – always are. It turns out that Berlesconi isn’t the guy in Italy any more, that’s a shame, he sure knew how to throw a party – imagine the spread he’d have laid out for the US President! Bunga Bunga! Oh well, whaddaya gonna do. And that frumpy-puss Merkel wouldn’t even crack a smile all day, even though that same morning she was grinning like a polecat when Obama visited her. I tell you, folks – what’s she doing talking to him anyway, Trump’s the legitimate President, everybody knows that, on account of his huge victory in the Electoral College, and also having won the popular vote if you don’t count the illegals. Those Germans are just as bad at plain courtesy as they are at letting us sell them as much as they sell us. Oh well, maybe the Second Amendment people can do something about her. Just kidding folks, relax, just a joke. Sort of.

So now he gets to return in triumph, having shown all those foreigners what’s what. That sure sounds like “passing the test” to me. Plus, I’m not sure, but I think maybe the Saudis let him keep that sword, that’s what I’m hearing.