Is This What It’s Going to Take?
You might have thought, as I did, that the the e-mails disclosed by Donald Trump Jr. a few days back would end all debate on whether the Trump campaign was colluding with the Russians. You might have expected some sort of consequence, I don’t know, maybe in Congress, or maybe in the opinion polls. Surely the hard-core 36% of the electorate that forms Trump’s heretofore unwavering base would begin to erode, at last?
I guess not.
In desperation, I have fabricated a second set of e-mails, see below – and I say “fabricated” only in the sense that the actual e-mails that are bound to emerge at some point are likely to be different in wording, but almost certainly identical in substance. It’s just that I haven’t seen them yet. So you’ll permit me a little licence, I’m sure.
I’m hoping that somebody out there can copy this and send it to WaPo, or the Times, in a sneaky-hacky way that makes it look like it really came from Donald Jr. Maybe then we’ll have him. Or maybe he has to knock over a bank. You know, at gunpoint, not the usual Trumpian way.
From: bigfriendlybear@gov.ru
To: Donald Trump Jr.
CC: Rob Goldstone
Subject: Secret – Classified – Do Not Forward or Copy – Delete After Reading (per DOD protocol 7x overwrite) – Clinton – Dirty Dirt
Dearest Comrade Trump the Younger,
Greetings Junior Donald! I have speaking with Lawyer Lady that you like to collude, especially with mighty Russia in all its covert capabilities. We indeed have much to offer, big-time dirty tricks, whole range of special product. Clever Boys in GRU and FSB have many ideas, some new, some in can and ready to go as soon as hat drops.
First option is simply to shoot Female Clinton, though maybe this is bad in the result if it leaves only Bernie, though even then not so much a problem – we can shoot him too. Or poison, you prefer subtle. We use Polonium. Radioactive, da? Highly toxic, kills quickly, even those strong like bull. We do it most often, you can leave all to us, not getting involved in person. Up to you.
Not so much messy, but more slow, are many methods of kompromat at our present disposal. What we do depends – how many funds can be run through the Trump special washing machine? If plenty, we can fake up photos, most convincing, of Hillary bonking passionate with horse, or Great Big Danish Dog if better. Or, we can send most vulgar hate mail to MLK widow and Pope on DNC letterhead, easy peasy. Just example. Many things we can do. We can use WikiLeaks idiot to help. I hearing now also talk of something new in the cooker about pizza store and child abuser ring, guaranteed winner. Our tireless bots will then spread to many millions of Facebook dummies, no problem, happens without thinking. All automatic. If help to be had at your end, we also can special target so-called swing states, and much-vaunted Hillary strongholds, which are tiny dwarf regions compared to the vastness of territories we fix good here at home and throughout sphere of influence. No sweat.
Let us know. We will, how you say, fuck that bitch up with royal effect. Stealing your stupid election will be most pleasurable for team, very good boost for morale.
Death to Moose and Squirrel!
Your Pal in colluding, Big Friendly Bear One.
From: Donald Trump Jr.
CC: Rob Goldstone, Paul Manafort, Jared Kushner, Steve Bannon, Ivanka Trump, Kellyanne Conway, Jeff Sessions, Rudy Giuliani, Chris Christie, Mike Spence, Donald J. Trump
Subject: Secret – Classified – Do Not Forward or Copy – Delete After Reading (per DOD protocol 7x overwrite) – Clinton – Dirty Dirt
Gosh that’s super! You guys are great! Can’t wait to see how pizza fits into all of this. Please proceed! Will send laundromat particulars, and brochures for various real property opportunities in which to “invest”. Don’t forget, we need the currency conversion to happen at your end first. I’ll send a heads-up to the guys at our favourite bank (you know the one, Yah, Kamarad? – maybe lay off the digs about Stalingrad and Kursk this time, favour to me?)
Make America Great Again!
the needlefish 