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Hard as it is to Believe, No, We Haven’t Seen Everything Yet

Oh my God.


I’m trying to resist making every second post about the golem known variously as Tangerine Hitler, Orange Julius Caesar, Hair Fuhrer and Mango Mussolini – you can check out the growing list of A.K.A.’s here: – but what can I do when, just at the point where we think we’ve seen it all, the sentient candied yam starts sending out tweets that seem meant to function as Executive Orders? To date, we’ve all become comfortably inured to the usual twitter fare, the rants, the incoherent tirades against fake news, “covfefe”, all that jazz, but still, as Spottswoode says to Gary in Team America, we haven’t seen everything.



Clearly we hadn’t, anyway, not before yesterday.

But have we now, finally? Can reading the tweet that follows, perhaps, be the Twitter equivalent of watching a man eat his own head?

After consultation with my Generals and military experts, please be advised that the United States Government will not accept or allow … Transgender individuals to serve in any capacity in the U.S. Military. Our military must be focused on decisive and overwhelming … victory and cannot be burdened with the tremendous medical costs and disruption that transgender in the military would entail. Thank you.

Oh, O.K!

Just as an aside, I love the little “thank you” at the end. Gosh, mister, you’re welcome! Tweet at us any old time!

Bear in mind, this caught the Pentagon completely flat-footed. Nobody saw it coming. There was no consultation with his unnamed “Generals”. Defence Secretary Mattis wasn’t even in Washington, and doubtless knew nothing about it. Meanwhile, the open service of transgender personnel had previously been established by directives made through the appropriate military channels, in obedience to the appropriately formal orders of duly constituted civilian leadership. The policy was set. Training had been instituted, resources allocated, and thousands of transgender servicemen and women are now serving honourably at home and in combat abroad. I even bet most of them would like a decisive and overwhelming victory just as much as the next soldier. You win, you go home, right?

Ah, to win, just this once…

So what now? Transgender personnel are banned as of when, exactly? Right away? That’s it? Pack it up, gender-benders, sez here that it’s all over? Can’t you just see some grunt on foot patrol in Afghanistan saying “Gee Sarge, do I just go home now or what?” Were pilots rolling in to drop smart bombs on ISIS targets supposed to suddenly break off and abort? Did various tanks stop rolling as their drivers unbuckled and exited out through the front hatch, as per the President’s order? If not, were they being insubordinate? Say you’re some sort of unit commander – what do you tell the troops? Never you mind, son, that’s just Dear Leader having another one of his spells. As you were, Jenkins, I’m sure he didn’t really mean it.

Big, hairy question: is this policy? Can an ill-considered and utterly impractical, nay totally deranged, early morning tweet from the crapper amount to the same thing as an Executive Order? Who knows? No? Maybe? Can everyone simply ignore the yammerings of The Commander-in-Chief when it’s just another mindless middle-of-the-dump twitter belch? What if he declares war or something – a power reserved to Congress, but hey, Der Donald doesn’t know that, and neither, these days, do the members of the House and Senate – does the Brass put their hands over their ears and sing “la la la”? I wouldn’t assume as much. That’s not how they’re wired. We might just wake up one morning and find out that a pre-emptive strike on North Korea was set in motion over the twitter feed from the White House Presidential Shithole at 4 AM.

If it does become the norm to pretend such tweets never happened, is this not a tacit admission that the President is altogether nuts, and need not be heeded if he acts on his own without adult supervision? Do we dare go there? Do we dare not?

Honestly, I don’t know where we go from here. I wouldn’t be surprised, not really, if the moron tweeted out the launch codes in an attempt to authenticate his spur-of-the-moment mid-peristaltic decision to nuke frigging Iran. I’m hoping that if the signal doesn’t come through the proper electronic boxes, it can’t be interpreted as a valid command, but I’d rather not be betting my life on it.

Seriously, can nobody hide his goddam smartphone?

2 comments on “President to Bombardier: Tweets Away!

  1. Kunga Shiwa & the Search for Enlightenment says:

    The whole surreal mess is like a scene from Doctor Strangelove. Substitute Trump for General Jack D. Ripper, and you can hear the phone call from, say, VP Pense:

    [Pense, on the phone with the Russian Premier] Hello? Uh, hello? Hello, Dmitri? Listen, I can’t hear too well, do you suppose you could turn the music down just a little? A-ha, that’s much better. Yeah, yes. Fine, I can hear you now, Dmitri. Clear and plain and coming through fine. I’m coming through fine too, eh? Good, then. Well then, as you say, we’re both coming through fine. Good. Well, it’s good that you’re fine, and – and I’m fine. I agree with you. It’s great to be fine. [Laughs] Now then, Dmitri, you know how we’ve always talked about the possibility of something going wrong with the bomb. The BOMB, Dmitri. The hydrogen bomb. Well now, what happened is, uh, the Predident had a sort of – Well, he went a little funny in the head. You know. Just a little funny. And uh, he went and did a silly thing.

    Well, I’ll tell you what he did. He ordered his planes…to attack your country.

    Well, let me finish, Dmitri. Let me finish, Dmitri. Well, listen, how do you think I feel about it? Can you imagine how I feel about it, Dmitri? Why do you think I’m calling you? Just to say hello?

    Of course I like to speak to you! Of course I like to say hello! Not now, but any time, Dmitri. I’m just calling up to tell you something terrible has happened.

    It’s a friendly call. Of course, it’s a friendly call. Listen, if it wasn’t friendly, you probably wouldn’t have even got it. They will not reach their targets for at least another hour. I am, I am positive, Dmitri. Listen, I’ve been all over this with your Ambassador. It is not a trick. Well, I’ll tell you. We’d like to give your Air Staff a complete rundown on the targets, the flight plans, and the defensive systems of the planes.

    Yes, I mean, if-if we’re unable to recall the planes, then, I’d say that, uh, well, uh, we’re just gonna have to help you destroy them, Dmitri. I know they’re our boys. All right, well listen, now, who should we call? Who should we call, Dmitri? The what, the People, you, sorry, you faded away there. The People’s Central Air Defense Headquarters. Where is that, Dmitri? In Omsk. Right. Yes. Oh, you’ll call them first, will you? Uh, huh. Listen, do you happen to have the phone number on you, Dmitri? What? I see. Just ask for Omsk information.

    I’m sorry too, Dmitri. I’m very sorry. All right, you’re sorrier than I am. But I am sorry as well. I am as sorry as you are, Dmitri. Don’t say that you’re the more sorry than I am because I am capable of being just as sorry as you are. So we’re both sorry, all right? All right.

    Say your prayers, Sug. Say your prayers.


    1. graemecoffin says:

      AGreat Movie Scenea few entries back!


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