…I’m just sayin’ it ain’t gonna happen.
I get it. I do. If you’re a liberal sort of person, eager for a dose of honest, enlightened energy in government, the allure of Beto O’Rourke is thoroughly irresistible. He gives straight answers. He sticks to his principles. He stands before angry questioners and convinces them that what he’s defending is not, after all, indefensible. We’ve all seen the clip:
It’s enough to make you weep.
Besides, he’s running against World’s Most Punchable Face cover boy Ted Cruz, for the love of Christ:
Smug, bullying, scheming pile of pig shit Ted Cruz! Nobody could possibly have put it better than conservative columnist Bret Stephens, quoted here in conversation with Gail Collins of the New York Times:
Bret: The big reason is that I despise Ted Cruz. That is “D-e-s-p-i-s-e,” in case I haven’t spelled out my loathing clearly enough. Would you like to know why?
Gail: Oh, gosh, please go on.
Bret: Because he’s like a serpent covered in Vaseline. Because he treats the American people like two-bit suckers in 10-gallon hats. Because he sucks up to the guy who insulted his wife — by retweet, no less. Because of his phony piety and even phonier principles. Because I see him as the spiritual love child of the 1980s televangelist Jimmy Swaggart and Jack Nicholson’s character in “The Shining.” Because his ethics are purely situational. Because he makes Donald Trump look like a human being by comparison. Because “New York values.” Because his fellow politicians detest him, and that’s just among Republicans. Because he never got over being the smartest kid in eighth grade. Because he’s conniving enough to try to put one over you, but not perceptive enough to realize that you see right through him. Because he’s the type of man who would sell his family into slavery if that’s what it took to get elected. And that he would use said slavery as a sob story to get himself re-elected.
Otherwise, you might say I’m his No. 1 fan.
What he said. It’s not that anybody thinks different, either, it’s just that Texas isn’t merely Republican, it’s soooo Republican, it’s Red Red Red, and they’re going to vote that sombitch Cruz back in come hell, high water, or a stampede of armadillos. Not even this will help, though obviously it should:
Despite the overwhelming tonnage of good reasons why it shouldn’t be possible, as of today (October 17), O’Rourke is losing to Cruz by seven points, according to CNN, and that’s actually an improvement – it was nine points a week ago. Look, anything can happen, but Beto is just too good to be true. He’s sure as Hell too good for Texas. Never happen. Not now, not ever, never. Nope. It’s Ted all the way, and we had better make ourselves comfortable with that.
I’ve been through this before, when Texas incumbent Governor Ann Richards, a very clever and admirable politician, lost to the meathead George W. Bush, paving the way to the eventual ascendancy of that militant mediocrity to the White House, and the most disastrous Presidency permissible under what were then understood to be the laws of physics – obviously, since the dawn of Trump, a paradigm shift has been forced upon the propellor-heads who reckon such things.
I’m done investing any hope in Texas.
That’s OK though, in fact it may be better, because I have a truly brilliant idea that has probably occurred to a million other hopeless progressives like me, and maybe you as well: O’Rourke – Ocasio Cortez, 2020.
OMG, I just got a huge shot of endorphins, just thinking about it. If my amygdala could send a selfie, it’d come out like this:
Screw it. Enough middle of the road neo-liberal wishy-washy uninspiring old baby boomers as candidates. Enough with Hillary. Go away Bernie. Joe, take a hike. Let’s scare the living poo out of the GOP and run two youthful, brilliant, absolutely captivating beautiful people for the White house, people so magnetic that they can sell it, people who openly embrace progressive ideas, rather than try to pretend they don’t have them. Let’s put a couple of goddam-right-I’m-a-socialist, in-your-face, you-heard-me-right-I-want-medicare-for-all, screw-you-Mitch-and-Donald-and-everybody-who-looks-like-you, gigantic balls of almighty charisma out there!
Christ Toasties, can you even imagine? Think of it!
These two would bring so much wattage to the fray the whole goddam electorate would get the blue bolts. They’d make Bobby Kennedy look like Orrin Hatch. You’d have to pry revolvers out of the mouths of GOP strategists all over the country. Republicans everywhere would be terrified enough to crap straight through a screen door.
If I’m on to something here, Beto had better lose to Ted, or else he’ll get mired in the Senate, where, he’s pledged, he’ll serve out his full six-year term if he gets there, and this guy keeps his promises. The Hell with that!
So, no, it ain’t happening in Texas, but that’s OK, right?
Oh no, I just found something to hope for. I’m doomed.