Seriously, No, You Don't.

I don’t know whether it’s because eBay has planted cookies on my iPad, or they’ve simply paid Google to make sure they always come back at the top of my search results, but the constant, patently fraudulent assertions that they actually have on sale whatever it is I’m looking into is starting to strain my wa. Seriously, they absolutely have it, no matter what it is. It was bad enough when they made claims about things that were plausible, like “Nakamichi Dragon”, but now they’re telling me they can sell me one of America’s 120 combat coded fifth generation air supremacy stealth fighters. For ten bucks. Free shipping available, which is particularly generous, as I’m given to understand that those things cost something wicked to ship. Plus, the forms you gotta fill out at the seller’s end, honestly, it’s ludicrous.

This is right up there with that deadly vegetable that haunts every third chum box on the internet. I was so mentally beat down by that one that I succumbed, finally, and started clicking the bait, trying to find out which legume it was, exactly, that literally eats your guts out to such horrid effect that doctors are begging you not to eat it. Begging you. Like, the Surgeon General is shouting, desperate to save you: For the love of Christ, don’t eat that! Trust me, I’m the nation’s top doctor! Spoiler alert: you never find out.

Somebody else is going to have to chase down the food that’s “like a pressure wash for your insides”. I think it might be boiled bananas, but in some pictures it looks like yams.

Frigging eBay, setting out their clickbait like intellectual bear traps for the feeble-minded. Is that a proven market strategy – just claiming, bald-facedly, that you have that very item on sale right this minute, no matter what it is? Seriously, we have the Knights Templar. Seriously, we have Fat Man and Little Boy. I can guess what’s next. Seriously, we have the cure for Covid-19. That’s just cruel, sick really, but if Donald does it why shouldn’t eBay?