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So, Bill Barr, Esq., tendered his resignation letter.

It’s the kind of letter that makes you think hostage video. I’m sitting there yesterday, gagging as I take in about as much as I can stomach before the nausea compels me to stop, thinking OMG, did somebody have a gun to poor Billy’s head? Did they have his nuts in a vice? I mean, I’ve seen all sorts of sucking up from Trump’s minions over the years – remember those queasy televised roundtables of farcical faux adulation masquerading as cabinet meetings? – but Jesus. The usual epithets, like “bootlicking”, or “abject sycophancy”, don’t really do it justice, failing as they do to convey the sheer incongruity of the tone, and apparent inability to grasp what’s really going on, as if its author was some toothless peasant exclaiming Bless you Sire! as the King has him dragged away to the gallows. It’s just weird, and seemingly out of character, too; one expects all sorts of unsavoury things from this sort of fascist prick, but not this. How could this quintessentially puffed-up, self-important, arrogant SOB give voice to such an abandonment of pride and dignity? How would somebody like him even come up with such sickly-sweet sentiments, the like of which, we can be confident, have never before flowed from his poison pen? WTF??

Then I remembered: the doctor’s note. You recall, at the start of Trump’s 2016 campaign, when Donald was keen to create the impression that he wasn’t actually the corpulent, disintegrating bag of KFC-gobbling Crisco he seemed irrefutably to be? He had his doctor, this unlikely looking slob named Bornstein, write him a flowery note stating, among other things, that his “laboratory test results were astonishingly excellent”, which tests all yielded “positive results”, and further that “Mr. Trump, if elected, will be the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency”. Really doc? Is that how you’d describe Fat Donny? Seems a little, I don’t know, unprofessional and unscientific, you know? That stuff about “positive results”, for example, that doesn’t really sound like somebody with medical training, to whom “positive test results” should always mean something bad, as in ” I’m very sorry to tell you that your tests came back positive for Penile Detachment Syndrome”. Why, it was almost as if Trump wrote it himself, then handed it to the good doctor to sign, apparently or else. The only real question was “or else what?” What did Donald have on poor, disheveled Jacob Bornstein, M.D.?

And what does he have on smug, bullying Billy Barr, that the A.G. would sign his name to a virtual Last Will and Lickspittle that spends four floridly fulsome paragraphs praising Dear Leader before it gets around to a one liner at the end containing the only operative language of the whole purported resignation letter: “As discussed, I will spend the next week wrapping up a few remaining matters important to the Administration and depart on December 23rd”. Then, to conclude, wishes for a “Blessed Holiday Season” (initial caps, for some reason), and an extra “God Bless” thrown in, just to round it all out. Trump is good, Trump is great, Trump is all knowing, munificent, brilliant, and devilishly handsome to boot, and oh yeah, I resign, thanks. Merry Christmas!

I ask you: would Bill Barr have written this?

I am proud to have played a role in the many successes and unprecedented achievements you have delivered for the American people. Your 2016 victory speech in which you reached out to your opponents and called for working together for the benefit of the American people was immediately met by a partisan onslaught against you in which no tactic, no matter how abusive and deceitful, was out of bounds. The nadir of this campaign was the effort to cripple, if not oust, your administration with frenzied and baseless accusations of collusion with Russia.

Or this, for the love of Christ?

You built the strongest and most resilient economy in American history – one that has brought unprecedented progress to those previously left out. You have restored American military strength. By brokering historic peace deals in the Mideast you have achieved what most thought impossible. You have curbed illegal immigration and enhanced the security of our nation’s borders. You have advanced the rule of law by appointing a record number of judges committed to constitutional principles.

Oh, yuck. Also barf.

Here’s what probably happened. Donald was determined to fire Barr’s ass after the roly-poly A.G., just like his elfin predecessor, failed to live up to the example set by dear, departed Roy Cohn. Trump also wanted him to go out snivelling and mewling, spouting praise even as the proverbial screen door slammed him in the ass. You know, the typical Trump Enterprises employee exit. So he called Stephen Miller into the Oval – who, unlike Donald, can write in complete sentences – and dictated a bunch of ideas, out of which the grotesque love-sonnet-cum-resignation letter emerged. The first draft probably began with “He walks in beauty, like the night”. Once that was all tidied up and proofed, Donny called Barr on the carpet, and told him he could sign his name to it, and pretend to quit on his own terms, or be fired by unceremonious Tweet like Sessions and all those other sad bastards whose mangled corpses litter the driveway at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. Okee Dokey then! said Bill. At that point, Barr probably noticed that the letter, while griping about every perceived injustice of Trump’s tenure, then bragging about every supposed accomplishment, omitted anything about him leaving the Administration. So he pencilled in that last perfunctory line.

Anyway, another one bites the dust! Good, and fuck’im if he didn’t see this coming. It’s what happens to almost everybody who gets pulled into Trump’s malignant orbit. First you surrender your reputation and good name while doing the Master’s bidding, then he chucks you away like a banana peel and moves on. Some, like Ben Carson – you remember Ben, sleepy looking guy, used to be a brain surgeon – maintain such a low profile that Donald forgets all about them, and they survive. Some, like Pompeo and Pence, avoid the chop by publicly praising Trump ever more effusively, thus remaining useful at the price of their immortal souls. Most, though, go the way of Sessions, Tillerson, Kelly, McMaster, Bolton, Priebus, Esper, Mattis, Perry, Zinke, Pruitt, Mulvaney, and all the rest. Now it’s Barr getting his just deserts, tossed lifeless onto the windswept plain to complete the Circle of Life. May the jackals grow fat on his carcass.

Who’s next? I bet they’re making book in Vegas! I wonder, what’s the line on Meadows?

Seen in happier days, the way we’d like to remember him.

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