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…first time winner Governor Greg Abbott, of the Great State of Texas!

I know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking how in heckfire did it take so long for a talking pile of pig droppings like Greg Abbott to snag his first Gomey? Well, c’mon now, let me remind you of the criteria established at the outset by the Rules Committee. Remember, it’s not enough that the political actor be vile, bigoted, and cruel, nor is it sufficient that the policies advanced or defended are antisocial, harmful, oblivious to social justice, contrary to common sense, or antithetical to fundamental human decency. That’s all table stakes. If that was enough, I’d be handing out hundreds, indeed thousands of the things, they’d be like participation awards, and they’d lose their cachet. Therefore a final hurdle must be cleared: there must be an associated utterance that’s so stupid, so bone-jarringly cretinous, that it sets your fillings to rattlin’. Now, I’m not saying I’m positive that Abbott never crossed that threshold before today, since it’s hard to keep up – large yet not infinite bandwidth, you understand – but by God, he really got my attention this time. Whoo boy, I’m tellin’ ya, and how! See, he said this:

Ha! So there! Where’s your snappy comeback to that, huh, ya gud-dam journalist?! Problem solved. If the new abortion law would force rape victims to carry their attacker’s spawn to term, we got it covered! You betcha! We’ll eliminate rape down here in the Lone Star State, don’t you worry your pretty little head about it! Incest, too, by gum, since there’s no exception for that one either, it says here – so heck, fine then, incest goes too, and good riddance, amiright?

Yessir, that cures that achin’ tooth.

Presumably, Abbott means not merely to capture and incarcerate rapists after the fact, but to nab ’em all before they assault anybody, or else we’re back to square one with the whole carry-to-term thing, but that’s OK, that’s doable – as eminently sensible conservative pundit Tom Nichols pointed out, drawing on the premise of the scifi film Minority Report, we’ll just need to hire us a few more of them Precogs.

Damn, wish I’d come up with that.

I love how he reminds the assembled crowd that rape is a crime, for crying out loud, like duh, and why are you morons wailing about something happening when it’s a crime, or didn’t you know that? Christ. Reporters.

I also just love the assembled crew of pasty white sycophants applauding him for his insight. They’re all like you tell ’em, Greggy-boy, and this guy can really govern. The Caucasian cheering section is vital in these situations – just ask Donald. After all, without his courtiers, a mad king is just a drooling mumbler, sitting off by himself on a park bench, feeding the imaginary pigeons from a sack of industrial lug nuts.

Now, to be sure, Abbott and his merry band in the Anticipatory Crime Prevention Brigade are going to have their work cut out for them, because rape is still something that happens in Texas, and it happens quite a lot. Here’s a handy graphic:

That’s Texas at the top there. I know, I know, it’s a big State, and California’s up there too, but that’s sort of the point – there are lots and lots of ne’er-do-wells out there to corral. It’s going to be an all-hands-on-deck sort of deal. I don’t have State-specific stats on incest, but we can infer from this article in The Atlantic that there’s probably a fair bit of that going on in Texas too, since it remains a shockingly prevalent crime nationally:

If I may slip back into my Texas drawl, kind of gets you to ponderin’ the merits of widespread chemical castration, don’t it? I guess that’s just yesterdays news, though, least ways when it comes to Texas, ’cause Ranger Abbott’s on the case, and he’s gonna clear all of those bad boys out of his jurisdiction lickety-split, just watch him go, and don’t you worry about the legalities of all this pre-emptive crime fightin’ neither, ’cause we’re up 6-3 on SCOTUS. It’s open season, boys, and thank you kindly, Amy.

Greg, buddy, this is so richly deserved, and I know I’m not alone in predicting this won’t be your last:

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