…Senator Tommy Tuberville (R)(QAnon)(Alabama) for this:
This, incredibly, is the first Gomey ever handed to the always affable Tuberville, but he’s kind of new to the scene, having been dropped into Washington by the good folk of Alabama only quite recently, in the 2020 election cycle. Somehow, since then, he’s gone generally undetected by the Needlefish A-hole early warning system, but we sure have his blip on the scope now, and dear God, what a big bright blip it is. It looks like a Himalayan mountain just crested the horizon. Yikes! If this was NORAD, we’d be advising a massive retaliatory response. No kidding, in all sincerity, this guy might just be the stupidest Senator in Washington, and that’s saying something, though admittedly, “biggest idiot in the Senate” isn’t the same thing as “dimmest dim-bulb in all of Congress”. You can’t really out-moron all those chucklefuck House Republicans in the lower chamber, not measurably, anyway; once you get to the truly anencephalic crew of Marjorie Taylor Greene, Lauren Boebert, Matt Gaetz, Jim Jordan, Paul Gosar, and all the rest, you reach a sort of Idiot Absolute Zero, beyond which measurement is simply outside the physical limits of our instruments. Nonetheless, dumbest dumbass Senator is still awfully dumb, I mean, it’s not like the Republican caucus in the “world’s greatest deliberative body” is composed mainly of Nobel Laureates.
Before his Senate career, Tuberville was a highly successful college football coach, leading teams to some famous victories during stints at Auburn, Ole Miss, and Texas Tech, and maybe therein lies an explanation. You can’t help but wonder whether he might have endured a few cranial collisions with a couple of 300 lb. middle linebackers along the way, not sure how, exactly, but maybe he got all boisterous during practice and joined the scrimmage sometimes, forgetting to wear a helmet. Or maybe his mother, at wit’s end, used to brain him with a shovel back in the day (I can just imagine some grizzled old woman rocking back and forth on her front porch, a Fox News microphone shoved in her face, saying something like Well now what was I s’posed to do? Land o’Goshen, it was the only thing that’d stop the child once he got it into his head to set fire to the drapes, or strangle his sister). Anyhoo, one way or another, by accident of birth or subsequent misadventure, Tommy wound up with the sort of intellect displayed in today’s video clip.
You’re probably asking “What the hell is he so worked up about anyway?” It could be almost anything, frankly, but this time he’s reacting to the purported content of the recently published, hotly anticipated, 300 page, fourteen pound deadweight that is the Durham Report. Which I guess prompts you to then ask “What the hell is the Durham Report?”
So, O.K., I’ll try to keep this brief, but bear with me. Back when Donald was still in office, fuming about the Mueller Report and “Rusher Rusher Rusher“, he got that irrepressible prick of an A.G., Bill Barr, to appoint a stooge named John Durham, a former U.S. Attorney, as Special Counsel to launch an “investigation of the investigators”. The idea was to defuse all the hubbub around Russia’s involvement in the 2016 election by “proving” that the whole thing was just a malicious Democratic/Deep State hoax.
It was therefore Durham’s brief to keep rooting around, whatever it took, until he found something they could plausibly characterize as wrongdoing and outright political bias on the part of the FBI, and whoever else they could smear (recall it was the FBI’s counter-intelligence investigation into Russian meddling that got the whole Rusher thing rolling in the first place). Working furiously, Durham kept digging and digging, looking for anything, anything at all, that he could spin to buttress the claim that it had all been a baseless and utterly improper witch hunt. He even ran around to other countries, trying to get whatever dirt he could glean from foreign intelligence agencies – Barr actually accompanied him on his Italian excursion – all of which produced absolutely nothing. Oh wait, not quite absolutely nothing, because the Italians told him “we’ve got nothing on the FBI, CIA, Clintons, George Soros, or the Venezuelans or anything, but you should see what we found out about Trump“, at which point Durham thanked them for their time and scurried back on home to the U.S.of A., never to speak of it again.
These shenanigans went on for years, during which Durham even brought a couple of poor schmucks to trial (long story), both of whom were promptly acquitted, because of course he had no evidence of anything at all. No conspiring with the Clinton campaign. No lack of a basis for the investigation. No political bias. No significant or systemic wrongdoing. All of which had already been concluded years earlier in an exhaustive review by the FBI’s Inspector General.
Still with me?
So Biden got elected, Barr was out, Garland was in, and everybody forgot about Durham and his farcical investigation, except he was still at it, spending millions, spinning his tires, finding jack squat, until just a couple of days ago when he tendered, at last, his mighty doorstop of a report. His big bombshell? Get this: the FBI had grounds to start a preliminary investigation, but not a full investigation, which somebody with legal training might call a distinction without a difference, but wait, he also uncovered, well…oh geez, just look at the time, I guess it’s gotta be thank you and good night! End of story. That’s it. That’s all. In essence, he’s saying that he doesn’t much care for the FBI’s style. Overt political bias? Nope. FBI wrongdoing? Well, not as such. That is, there were a few procedural missteps with warrants and stuff, or so I gather from the IG report of a couple of years back. Skullduggery involving the Clinton campaign? Er, no, actually, no sign of that (acknowledged only in a footnote). Well what about the Deep State? Surely there was an abundance of sinister string-pulling by the Deep State! Umm, well look, you have to understand, it’s sometimes a little difficult distinguishing what we all know to be the Deep State from what the Libs would call a collection of relevant officials serving those government institutions having jurisdiction, and going about their jobs in accordance with their oaths and duties, so…
In short, he delivered 300 pages of NOTHING. It’s as if Trump and Barr ordered ten gallons of hearty beef stew, don’t scrimp on the beef, and here was Durham, years later, proffering a piping hot bowl of steam.
Which, of course, hasn’t stopped the entire GOP from screaming that Durham has indeed uncovered a vast and ruthless conspiracy to undermine the Trump Presidency, conducted without any valid basis, in violation of both applicable laws and Justice Department policies, and in collusion with the Clinton campaign, resulting in false, malicious accusations, and the greatest political scandal in all of human history. That’s the party line, and that’s why Tuberville is bellowing like an ox with his balls caught in a ringer. If nobody goes to jail, he hollers, full of righteous indignation, then we should just stop having elections. Plus Trump actually won in 2020.
We should just stop having elections. Gee, Senator, that’s a heck of a thing for an elected official to say, isn’t it? Heck of a thing, seems to us.
Here you go, dumbass, and best to buy a big, roomy trophy case.