…irredeemable shit-for-brains Tommy Tuberville (R)(Alabama), quite possibly, at this moment, the most profoundly witless yet somehow marginally sentient brainstem to hold elected office anywhere in the United States (pending, of course, the imminent re-election of Herr Trump), and the clear Imperial Grand Moron of the GOP Senate Caucus – which, trust me, was a very difficult and hotly-contested brass ring to grab.
Look:
That Putin, he’s our kind of guy, a statesman, a man of peace, a man of reason, and isn’t it just so dreadful that we awful, war-mongering Americans went and forced him to make a move on Ukraine, when he never even wanted to? He had to, is all, what with how harrowing it would have been, logically and objectively, if instead Mother Russia had awakened one day to face a hostile world in which it had to contend with a nation on its border that hewed more closely to the Western alliance system. Jesus Butter-Churning Christ!! What a nightmare! They could have joined the EU! Left unchecked, they could even have joined NATO! Good God, think of how threatening it would be for sensible Russians if they were forced to live next-door to yet another democracy that had decided to embed itself within both a prosperous pro-Western economic coalition, and a defensive Western military alliance! How much of this shit was Beloved Vlad supposed to take? Obviously, all such possibilities had to be pre-empted, pronto.
Testify, Tommy.
Now, everybody, by now, knows that poor, addled Tommy Tuberville, bless his heart, is about as intelligent as a cured picnic ham. As the days and months roll by until maybe, just maybe, the dumbass can finally lose his seat, he’s bound to make himself eligible for dozens, nay hundreds, of additional Gomeys. Indeed, by the criteria developed by the Needlefish editorial staff, he almost certainly already qualifies for the coveted Standing Gomey, which would require the replacement of repeated discussion of this or that day-to-day brain fart with a mute, blanket assumption that everything that comes out of the numbskull’s yip is cretinous, and would merit an award, so no further need to pay attention.
We’re going to have to revisit the criteria, I guess, and not just when it comes to our Tommy. The way this GOP clown posse conducts itself, under the current rules we’d likely be forced to award another 260-odd Standing Gomeys by as early as the middle of of next week, and then pay no further attention to any of the quotidian insanity. What fun would that be? Imagine if Tommy’d already been awarded his S.G., and we had no further mandate to comment upon the Senator’s quintessentially brainless adoption of Russian talking points drafted for him, no doubt, by the FSB?
We’ll have to regroup, reassess, and reformulate.
Meanwhile, Tommy, for combining consummate ignorance and typically bloviating ass-holery with geopolitical arson, here’s your newest addition to the trophy case.
You fascist, traitorous, dipshit imbecile.
the needlefish 