Time to Give the Matriarchy a Chance, Don’t You Think?

I’ve actually been contemplating this for a while, I think even before Trump got elected, when we were living here under the dour, nasty governance of Stephen Harper and his oh-so-masculine Conservatives – has anybody ever vanished from the public consciousness so swiftly and thoroughly? – but the idea has taken on a certain urgency since 2016. Watching these lizardly old white men from the President on down trying to get swinging dick du jour Brett Kavanaugh on the Supreme Court before thirty or forty more women come forward with credible accounts of gang rape and sexual assault has made me all the more certain.

It’s time to banish all men from all positions of authority in every system and organization now extant, everywhere on Earth.

It is. It’s time.

I used to be sceptical on the merits of a world run entirely by women, reasoning that women were human people too, and therefore, logically, just as prone to the deep character flaws that afflict nearly all men who seek power. Look at Maggie Thatcher, right? Or Sarah Palin. Or Michelle Bachman. Or – involuntary shudder – Ann Coulter. Oh, Jesus, Ann Coulter.

Yeah, sure, to a point, but it’s no good argument at all to say that we may as well stick with male rule, since some of the women who’ve made it thus far in this man’s world are just as bad as the men. Of course they are. That’s how they managed to make it through the rigged game. Suppose, though, that we really let women run things, really made the institutions and repositories of power reflect feminine attitudes and values? What if women really governed every damned thing, as men do now? From the ground up? In all the halls of power? On all the corporate boards, all the legislatures, all the city councils, all the hospitals, school boards, urban planning organizations, churches, everything, everywhere? Do you really believe it wouldn’t be better?

Really?

Maybe I’m dreaming in Technicolor, I don’t know, maybe things wouldn’t be exponentially superior the way I think they would, but think about it this way: could they possibly be worse? How? How, exactly – no, how in pluperfect Hell could anything be worse than what we keep getting, what we’ve always gotten, from goddam men? Suppose we decided to have women run things on a trial basis for the rest of the 21st Century. All they’d have to do, to come off better than the guys who ran the 20th, is avoid two world wars, and not have another Holocaust. We could still have something equivalent to Stalin’s purges, the Armenian genocide, the Cambodian killing fields, Rwanda, and the Cultural Revolution, plus a global depression, a nuclear arms race, various geopolitical crises that threaten to kill us all, environmental collapse, ongoing mass extinction and assorted nastiness in sideshows similar to Vietnam, Korea, Chechnya, most of Africa, Iraq, and so on, and we’d still have a far better century than the one the guys gave us from 1901-2000!

Is there actually anyone who isn’t a slavering idiot who really thinks we wouldn’t be better off with Hillary instead of Donald? Who do you like better – Angela Merkel or Vladimir Putin? Suppose you could pick – would you rather Lindsey Graham was the next President, or Michelle Obama?

Would women be as careless of the environment? Would women be as keen to oppress minorities, oppress their own gender, oppress the opposite gender, abuse workers, overpay fat cat CEOs, underpay teachers and nurses, let capitalism run amok, start stupid wars, overpopulate the prisons, cut taxes on the rich, let infrastructure crumble, turn police forces into paramilitary thugs, treat all social problems as criminal justice issues, stifle dissent, screw everything and everybody for short-term gains and a few bucks, put 320 million guns into circulation, tell extravagantly transparent lies all the live-long day, and otherwise be just the same as men? Think of just how appallingly cruel, violent, incompetent and short-sighted women would have to be to do even half as poorly as all those absolutely and irredeemably horrible men have done since forever! Do you really think there could be a female Hitler? A girl Stalin? A Kim Jong Un in pumps? And what if there could? We could fall under the tyranny of a mad bitch from Hell who decided to commit several genocides, butcher millions across several continents in pointless wars, and drop nuclear bombs on the innocent civilians of two large cities, and we’d still just be breaking even!!

Look, I could go on and on, but the logic of that one question is absolutely unassailable: so what if a government of women sucks too? How in the name of all that’s holy could anything, anywhere, in any way, be even a tiny little bit worse? Just on that basis, it’s worth a try, isn’t it? If it turns out that women are complete shit-heels when they get the power, just like men are, well, we’re no further behind are we? Plus, maybe women generally would be happier, and God knows how much more congenial it might be living as a guy in a world in which women were actually happy and unafraid. It might really be quite nice. How will we know if we never try?

And how likely is it that women will be as bad as men, anyway? Be honest.

There is just no way this isn’t worth a shot. No way. Rise up, women! Take over! Stop voting for all those awful men! Band together and seize the reins, for the love of God!! Right off the bat you could stop asshole men from trying to control your bodies and reproductive choices, surely that alone makes it worth the effort! C’mon! Go for it! Do it for each other! Do it for the children! Do it for the betterment of we poor benighted men! Look, do it for the money if that works, but just do it while there’s still a small chance of salvaging this mess.

Can we still have hockey, though? I know it’s gross, but I do love me some hockey.