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AARROOOOOGA!! General Quarters, General Quarters!! All hands to battle stations! Everybody pop up to the poop deck!! Fire everything!! Fire at will!! Throw every gooey old thing you’ve got at every wall you can find, people!! Some of it’s gotta stick!! Wait – I’ve got it! This one always works:

Hell yes, the emails! We never did find them – not one of those 33,000 scurrilous missives, and only God knows what Hillary was saying on her nefarious private server, right? I hear she was scheming with the Ukraine to break into her own computer and frame the Russians for it. You go Mike! Get the goods! LOCK HER UP!! And listen, what about that whole Benghazi thing – we gave up too soon on that one, right fellas? Stopped at ten lousy inquiries! Time to get going on eleven, and twelve, by God! Get that fuckwit Jordon going on it – you know, the lying asshole who never wears a suit jacket.

That’s the guy! No wait – put him on Biden. Give Hillary to Barr. While he’s at it, he can look into all those illegal votes that got cast in 2016. That’s gotta be worth a headline or two! But we need more surrogates! Throw ’em all out there! Go Lindsay!

Attaboy! Fuckin’ ay, Bubba, well spoke! Now go go Gadget Giuliani!!

Froth Rudy, froth! Froth on Hannity! Froth on Ingraham! Froth at that CNN fucko Cuomo if you have to! (Maybe don’t drink so much beforehand and ease off on implicating the State Department, though, OK buddy?).

Troops! Fall back to the rally point! Everybody holler and point at something besides Dear Leader! Speaking of whom, time for TwitterBomb 136 since yesterday:

Yeah, you hear that, libtards? Anybody lays a hand on Fat Donny and it’s war!

Plus, whattabout this? And whattabout that? Somebody get QAnon on the red phone – time to warm up some leftover pizzagate, methinks! Meanwhile here, have another tweet across the chops:

That’s right! I said it! TREASON. You wanna hear it again? TREASON TREASON TREASON!

It isn’t me! It’s Them! It’s always Them! They never liked me! Now They’re launching a coup, those Deep State bastards and their whistleblowing traitor pals. And another thing – er –

Ooops. I’ve done biggies.

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